sometimes it really frustrates me
i KNOW that well, they're trying to be "good" parents.
but it's like, they don't understand me AT ALL.
and they don't try.

i mean, stuff like, "you're not allowed to go on MSN anymore. only on the weekends"
i'm just like, WHAT?!
they complain that i don't "communicate" with them anymore.
problem is, they don't know HOW to communicate with me.
maybe it's just me, but whenever my mum talks to me, it's nagging me about this and that. i'd love to tell her more about my day at school, or other stuff, but no. she's always rambling on about some obscure philosophy or lesson of life.
am i being unfairly critical? sigh.

i mean, COME ON, EVERYONE goes on MSN. (overly generalising?)
my parents can't seem to grasp the concept that half of my homework IS REQUIRED TO BE DONE USING A COMPUTER.
they think i'm just on the computer chatting on MSN and neglecting my homework. *cough* and they ignore the fact that if it is like they hypothesized, i'd probably be FAILING right now. which i obviously am not (although personally, i AM surprised. but then, that's nothing to do with not doing my homework. just my intelligence, in general.)
the worst thing? i can never get a word in. i'm forever "finding excuses, comparing myself with the wrong people, not understanding their point of view"... yeah, i'm surprised that i haven't come up with any new excuses yet. i mean, you WOULD be pretty dumb to always use "i'm doing homework" as an excuse for the "extraordinary" amounts of time you spend on the comp.

i admit, half the time i am not doing homework.
but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MSN, GOSH.
it's more like... blogs, keeping up to date with friends, reading fanfic... ><"

it's painful almost... they want to try to understand me, except they don't know how to, and then it just becomes
i get annoyed
then they get annoyed
then they get angry
and then they start scolding me
and i just keep quiet while fuming
then they stop scolding me and go do their own stuff and leave me on my own
(they always end up assuming that i'm going through this rebellious stage and that i hate them and i want to be left alone)
then i start feeling guilty
and then it's kind of painful
argh.

my most vivid memory?
(the following conversation was in chinese. just can't be bothered typing in chinese)
me: mum, can i call one of my singapore friends?
mum: didn't you just call last month?
me: yah, but that was ONE WHOLE MONTH AGO!
mum: call so much for what. no point.
me: BECAUSE I MISS THEM?! and I WANT TO TALK TO THEM?!
mum: can't you talk to them over MSN? you're forever on MSN, talk to them over MSN can already.
me: it's DIFFERENT
mum: i don't see the difference. i only call my friends in america and stuff (note, her UNI friends) once a year, rest of the time i send them emails.
me: *speechless and storms off*

I AM SO GOING TO GET A JOB SO I CAN BUY AS MANY PHONECARDS AS I WANT AND NOT HAVE TO FREAKING ASK PERMISSION EVERY TIME JUST SO I CAN CALL MY FRIENDS!
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL
what do they think i'm like? oh, someone who's just happy-go-lucky... no, they don't understand JUST HOW MUCH MY FRIENDS MEAN TO ME.
no, not at all.
hah, to them, all friends are mere acquaintances. they don't see the distinction. i think they're sad.
i pity my bro. he's not allowed to play comp games, at all. because SUPPOSEDLY he'll get "addicted" and then he won't study and he'll fail.
whatever happened to childhood? (sidenote: i'm not allowed to maple anymore either, but i was long over maple. the only reason i used to be able to maple was well, THANKFULLY my parents believed i had enough "self control" and i was "motivated enough" to go do my work when i should)
it's just sad. it's sad, seeing the utter frustration and anger in his eyes.. because everyone else his age is happily playing computer games and he can't... give him some credit: he diligently practices piano every day (although i have to admit, sometimes he isn't exactly concentrating. but compared with boys his age? wow.) he does his homework, he does well in tests and everything...
sigh.

yes, they ARE making an effort, a considerable effort to be good parents, just that they're going about it in an ABSOLUTELY WRONG WAY.
it'll turn the both of us into freaks. anti-social, rejected, total nerds.
i feel guilty for wishing i had different parents.. hah like nat's mum. i LOVE nat's mum! or for that matter, pansy's parents are really cool as well.
i want someone i can really talk to, who well, understands me for who i am.
it scares me, it really does, when i realise that my mum understands me less than well.. my teachers. my teachers know me wayyyy better than my mum does... and i "talk" (she talks, i listen) to my mum so much more. shouldn't it be the other way around? like at PTM, my teachers will be telling my mum about me, and on the way home, my mum will be like, "are you really like that? o.O"
whereas, it should've been that my TEACHERS learnt something new about me. but no.
my devastatingly perceptive music teacher asked me after a PTM, "do you talk to your mum often? hmm? does she work? really? she's a housewife? ohh.. nothing. just wondering"

it's just. argh
oh, and a more blown up issue than the phonecall?
going back to singapore.
FINE THEN, I'LL GO GET A JOB AND THEN YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM GOING BACK! BECAUSE I'LL BUY MY OWN AIRPLANE TICKET AND I'LL LIVE IN THE STREETS IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
and random stuff, like... why do you have to go so early to school every tuesday for choir?
(because i want to?)
why can't it be in the afternoon? do you realise that it's in the morning because your choir teacher doesn't want to stay back after school? (do YOU realise that my choir teacher has to turn up early in the morning?)
what do you do anyway? waste of time.
(no it's not, because I LIKE CHOIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

sigh.
i'm sorry...
should i encrypt the post? ><"
it's pretty acidic.