i have never been more certain that it was the right choice to change schools
granted, i miss my friends, i miss some of the teachers (who are, *shockhorror* BETTER than ruse teachers, in my opinion anyway) and there's a lot getting used to
but there's just so much i've come to understand in the space of.. 1 week? i think i've never felt closer to God, or more loved.. =]

the past two weeks or so of school has been absolutely hectic, disorientating, confusing, and downright horrid in some aspects (specifically, the maths hw. nothing else is horrid actually XD)
well yes, especially in maths. by the 3rd day, i was completely and absolutely lost as to what the teacher was teaching us about, seeing as she assumed that we had learnt about certain stuff (of which i had not. i'm dumb. T_T)

and together with the 14 units i'm doing (yes i'm definitely dropping physics), and the overload of homework, having to make sense of maths was just too much. that final weight to the load which sent everything toppling off and away... it has seemed like a million years since school last started, which is scary. maybe cause i'm sleeping less, so seems like there's so much more time in a day? XD
but yes, seems like every second day i was on the verge of tears. just like, why am i doing this, why did i change schools, it's too hard, i'm never going to catch up, i'm going to end up failing everything, i can't DO this, i just want to give up... and just fail. but i didn't fall. because i then turn up at school the next day, and i make sense of things, with the help of friends and teachers, and i have the renewed strength to go on. but it's been a cycle. pretty horrendous cycle to go through.

i think last night was the worse. was writing up my music essay (on baroque music history and charateristics, blah), and randomly ended up flipping through maths past year papers which we were given (and which i had planned on doing during the weekend) and i was met with a total mental blank. even stuff i thought i knew how to do, i suddenly forgot how to do, didn't understand anything, went into total panic (yeah i'm pretty extreme at times T_T)

so yes, i had enough sense to just leave it, while turning to the only source of strength i could find. prayer. God =] it's really amazing, the things prayer can do. because in absolute desperation, one can always turn to Him... and He feels our helplessness, and in turn takes our burdens upon Him, carries us upon His shoulders...

and yup, afterwards was trying to fall asleep, but maths questions just kept surfacing in my head. and suddenly this solution occurred to me to one of the questions, and i just couldn't get it out of my head, and yes it SEEMED right, and so i got up again (*cough* i'm such a nerd *cough*) to see if it WAS right. and YES IT WORKED OUT. and i was so happy, i started relooking through the past year papers, started picking out the questions with the most marks to do, and the solutions all came with such ease!!! and i was just like, hey i get this, I GET THIS!!!!!!!! =] (er there's still a few questions which i don't know how to do, but no one else i asked knew how to do them either, so i shall just be content XDDD)
and yes, i now understand things that didn't make any sense at all when nice persons tried to explain them to me. =]

i've always talked about how a person is nothing without God, how compared to God, who is pure in every sense of the word, who is the light, who is everything good, we really really are worthless. but i've never felt a deeper sense of dependence on Him. not just academically (thankfully *cough*) but the events of the past week or so just highlighted how little i am on my own. possibly a stern rebuke for my growing sense of independence, my belief that i can handle everything, my pride in myself... (yes i am very egoistic ok ><") but, thank God for the trials which He puts me through, so that i may learn, that when i've walked through them and look back, i realise that all along He's been carrying me on His shoulders.

and yes, the move to ruse is possibly a milestone in my growing relationship with God =] like, ISCF (interschool christian fellowship - not actually interschool, but rather just a program that is held at many schools across NSW) is so inspiring (not something that carlo had) and just looking at what i've just been taught in the short span of time school has started, i wonder and eagerly anticipate how much more God will teach me.

i once overheard some adults conversing at church, about how the younger generation of the church, who've known God for all their lives, aren't able to truly appreciate the greatness and absolute blessing of knowing God, because they never knew what life was like without God to depend on and turn to - God has been there for them all their lives, and so sometimes He is taken for granted. but i think i now understand. what would i be like, without God to lean on every time i'm lost, without God to listen to my innermost fears, without God to rant to and complain knowing that He understands and that He'll lead me through... the thought is incomprehensible. i'd probably have ended up being a rebellious delinquent or even worse, just totally gave up on life. ... . ... .
and so i have a renewed passion in evangelism!!!!!!! SPREAD THE GOSPEL, SO THAT PEOPLE MAY COME TO KNOW GOD! cause oh how blessed are us who know God, and it would just be downright evil and selfish to keep this blessing from other ppl.

anyway, at ISCF meeting today (during lunchtime) we were doing a study of 1 John 1:5 - 10.
and i felt that the verses directly spoke to me. especially 1:8 "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." what does it mean to be with sin? succintly put, to be imperfect, tarnished, unlike God. and thus that requires us to depend on God, for Him to guide us and lead us, for we who are imperfect are unable to walk on the path of righteousness alone. Alone, we fall. and so in thinking that i can handle things myself, that i'm mature enough to deal with all the issues in my life... rubbish. self-deception. i've grown rather independent in the past year, but less dependence on my parents =/= any less dependence on God.

but yes, enough of very long and possibly senseless ramblings XDD ISCF IS COOL! haha XDD students go up and share (it's held in the very nice LT) and i think it takes a lot of courage to talk in front of so many ppl, ppl that you know, and ppl that may not realise the struggles you've been through, but yet you have the strength to admit to the struggles and yeah... humble yourself in front of everyone. very very inspiring =]

shall go do my homework now, hahaha XDDD but shall pray that in the following weeks (and months and years and until i die XP) God will continue to guide me and show me how to live life righteously, lovingly, as a Christian =]