i can't be bothered to encrypt, which means you shouldn't be bothered to read, because it won't make any sense anyway. it'll probably only make sense to one person, and even then only partially, and the chances that that person will read this is... just about zero.

i knew from the very beginning. really. seeing as you were doing the exact thing that you advised me to do. except i never understood why. it didn't make any sense to me - you probably saw it as a sacrifice of sorts, but i only saw it as something ill-informed and achieving nothing positive. i'm still not fully convinced that it has made a difference, but then it's too late to consider the alternative. it's true everything is quite the same as before you came along, but that doesn't make me stop questioning if it was worth it. losing a friend, to keep a friend?

but now i think i understand. and i realise how noble and how sacrificial and how selfless you really are. and i realise how much strength it will take. the more you love, the more you are loved, the harder it will be. and it's just painful knowing that it is the right thing to do, but not being able to do it. what does it mean to love someone? letting go? but then how do you love anymore? and i admire you all the more, because you love from a distance, in control, but you still love...

it will never be anything more. it can't. and it WAS the last concert. a fitting end, if anything. sigh.