after everything, events and actions prove that i was right after all. i never made a difference. no actually, i take that back. knowing me did make a difference - it made your life that much worser.

don't worry, i'm over it now. truly. it was quite a shock today when gmail finally loaded but *shrug* it's fine.

TWO MORE DAYS TO EUROPE! <333 *cannot stop grinning* ^^ and so much has been going on this week that it seems an impossible task to even begin to record anything. which is why this post is aptly titled ramble XP year 12s are officially gone.

we took over the common room today. it was so perfectly bittersweet... year 12 final assembly on monday brought me through every emotion i can think of - pride, joy, laughter, hilarity, sadness, longing, missing, aching, loss, uncertainty, love... proud of their achievements, laughing at their humour, missing them already, uncertain of the future without them, and forever, yes, forever loving them ^^

we have a "day sheet" every day posted on the main noticeboards in the school with all the main announcements such as, for example, asking all year 7s to meet in the hall during recess for something or the other. well, on monday i went to the noticeboard to be confronted with the "gay sheet". i think the notice i like the most was under "Memo to Staff": Would the following teachers (a list of the entire english faculty) please meet at the staff common room at lunch time today for a handwriting course as your illegible writing makes receiving feedback impossible. something along those lines anyway.
oh and then there was: To Mr Woodhouse: shave it off! FYI, it is now the 2009 - not the 1970s. HAHAHAHAHAHA. =D woodhouse took it extremely kindly, i must say. XD

but the final roll call was so so so so so so so so sad... to watch the year 12s go up on stage, one by one, for THE final roll call. and to see them standing there, with a picture of them as a cute year 7 projected on the screen behind them... wow. and the music. oh the music. and in 383 days, that'll be me. wow. ah well!

ISCF dinner was monday night - which gladly wasn't as sad as the assembly that day. i think everyone kind of got over the "it's so sad" and more of "let's look forward to the future and move on" which was wonderful. how great it is to know God, and to have faith and to be able to place our lives in His hands - for we find true joy in our lives ^^ ok but i admit it was still quite sad. it was like !!! i CANNOT believe that the year 12 leaders are all gone.

it only truly sunk in today, when romni was like, "elaineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! what are we going to do tomorrow?!!"
me: what about tomorrow? o.o
romni: focus!
me: yeah??
romni: year 12s are gone!!
me: oh. OH. OH.
romni: prayer meeting then?
me: yup ><"

but anyway, getting back to dinner. it was REALLY encouraging to have ex-ISCF-rusians (if that even makes sense) come back to talk about life in uni + all the christian groups in uni (not to mention shameless plugging of their own groups, hahahahahaha. and unis, for that matter. but whatever, i always thought usyd > unsw =D) rather confronting as well, to hear that every year, half of the ISCF group drops away in uni. HALF cease to acknowledge Christ as their saviour. and some were even leaders + really really involved/passionate in ISCF when at ruse. which is really scary, but it's good to find out sooner than later, i guess. nevertheless, it was a great lovely time of fellowship and one of the last times to enjoy being a "junior" and kind of being looked out for and taken care of...

last leaders' meeting on tuesday arvo with year 12s! technically, LAST tuesday was the last time, but then cause all the year 12s love us too much so they all came back (well, they did have year 12 luncheon today, but still =D) there wasn't much planned and we ended up praying together for half an hour which was amazing - praying for their future, as well as for year 11s to be able to fill up what they had left, as well as for the school in general and yeah =D

AND THEN WE PLAYED JUNGLE SPEED! hahahahahaha i THINK i have like. burns or something from being dragged halfway across a room. T_T. it was bad, but oh it was so hilarious. and YES i won that round so it was all worth it =D XD and moo nearly threw romni into a window cause he kind of swung his arm expecting romni to let go except romni didn't? scary ><

tuesday night was cabaret! yay =D bleah. love heals was awesome and people just loved andy's bass voice (if one judges by the cheering and wolf whistles, hahahaha) XD blue moon was cheesy (because it is so terribly oversung and every single jazz ensemble cohort does it for some reason) but i do have to admit that we pulled off the harmonies beautifully =D (not that anyone noticed except us XD) ah well. which means that i haven't done ANY work WHATSOEVER in the past two days.

and so the maths and the english is piling up (i finished music, hahahaha) and i really, really cant be bothered. despite the fact that i will have no time to speak of in the holidays to catch up but i don't care, hahahahahahaha. and which really means i should be doing that work instead of blogging, but i dont care XP really really not in the mood. i'd probably just burst out crying in the middle of integrating an equation if i don't ramble on my lovely blog ><

anyway, i was thinking. a true musician needs to be able to imagine. it's no use just to play - because i think that if you're actually concentrating, you're imagining (or thinking) about something when you're playing - whatever instrument you play, or even if it's just singing. and what you're thinking about or imagining reveals itself through the music you play. it's as simple as that, really. of course, there's always that gap between what you imagine, and what you're able to physically achieve, and that's where practice comes in. some get there faster than others, but no one gets there without imagination. and so it makes sense that there is a maturity in playing, because there is a maturity in imagination. a maturity in recalling the subtleties of emotions and unique blends of feelings that can only be learnt through experience.

kind of like, how a child sees the same house as an adult. the child imagines it as a simple square with a triangular roof, bright red bricks and blue windows - and that's what you see in the painting. the adult, however, sees every individual shingle of the roof, the depth and volume of the house, the shades of red in the bricks and the deceptive reflection of light on the window panes... hmm i'm probably not making any sense. ramblerambleramblerambleramble. =D of course, sometimes, you get a child prodigy who miraculously sees all this instantly. or, there's always those who get it quicker than others. say, if you were to take that child to countless art galleries and let him/her carefully study lifelike depictions of the surroundings. or perhaps to guide that child through various lessons on how to see those subtleties and the details. but in the end, it's all about what the child, or the adult for that matter, pictures in his/her mind, and envisions in that blank space of paper.

music isn't that different. we need to grasp depth, colours, feelings. we need to see (hear) what we're playing before we play it, and we need to imagine. just that for us, our canvas is so much bigger, and our works, though intangible, reach out far more effectively and heartwrenchingly (that is, when it's good =D) than mere paintings ever can XP (unintentional bias, sorry XDDD)