i admit i've been raging, for almost a whole day now. perhaps i'm exaggerating, but it's too trying to come up with another word to describe the utter fury at such injustice and with it the feeling of such complete helplessness. and weakness. i think towards the end it started becoming more about the weakness than the injustice. *shrug*

as always, something deceivingly simple defuses it all in the blink of an eye, and the anger diffuses to ashes, leaving me burdened by the feeling of guilt and knowing that once again i have lost faith. but then out of it all there seems to rise an insane joy (after all, don't people often lose their minds?) in the guilt, in the knowledge that i am guilty and not forever blinded and hardened by anger, and with it i'm reminded of the eternal hope i have. that we all have.

so at the end of the day, although it hurts... trust. pray. hope. =]



i feel this has been long overdue in saying (to some readers in particular, and for this i say sorry, especially to you, you who have many times worried about me because of my posts ><"), but my blog posts are as about vulnerable as i'll get and as much as i'll divulge, because in a way it's an outlet where i pour emotions such as fear, anger, confusion (and hopefully more often, joy, happiness, contentment) and somehow out of it all, typing it all out, i feel better and come to terms with it. for this reason it has been, and will always be quite private... and *shrug* hopefully it becomes less and less depressing as time passes and i grow wiser and more emotionally mature and stable (i'd like to think this current blog is less angsty than my previous blogs)

this having been said, the sheer fact that i can sit down and type up a blog post, means that the worst is over. the act of blogging in times of trouble has become almost symbolic of the determination to grit my teeth, and move on, despite it all. ah i'm so crazy.

but to all of you who care, thank you =]