i was just reading my blog post of just about one year ago, of KYCK last year, and i'm amazed at how far i've come
God has been holding on to me, and He's given me so many opportunities after i'd resolved to live life for Him. granted, i still have a long long long way to go (such as time spent on internet), but i know that He is becoming an increasing priority in my life and i just feel so full of joy and thankfulness and so very honoured for all the gifts that i've received

in many ways, this year was better than last year, and the best things didn't change. the music was awesome, the atmosphere was charged and full of passion, the talks were so much more relevant to our lives, my life, and piercing. definitely piercing. they revealed inherent flaws in my character that i've been hiding, and they challenged me directly to change. now.

so what did i learn?
life is so fleeting, that it is meaningless if i try to pursue gain (in terms of results, wealth, fame, reputation etc)
and guess what? this is the way God made it to be - in Genesis, He saw that it was all good. creation itself is a reflection of the cycles of life, where everything is repeated and our lives as creatures are like a breath in the history of time. and thus, to try and find fulfillment in worldly things is like chasing the wind, and is a sin. we become out of sync with God, we miss how God designed life to work.
the remedy: listen to God, trust Him, give Him space and let Him shape my life. spend more time thanking God, than asking things from Him (removes focus from seeking gain, rather on what we have received and the joy of gifts from God)

while the gain-focused life is stressful and horrible and in the end amounts to nothing, by receiving gifts from God and enjoying them thankfully results in Godly joy. even the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge becomes meaningless, if i don't see it as a gift from God. it's to be enjoyed, not a goal. it's a fine line to draw, but it's not chasing gain, rather, receiving it.

in the same way, going to church and serving in church doesn't automatically make me a good christian. the church itself is a gift, to be enjoyed, and it's not a competition to see who attends the most regularly, or who does the most things. in the end God sees all.

laziness and procrastination is inherently sinful. i need to live life with a sense of urgency, to actively and practically trust Jesus, to truly live, to sow and plant seeds.
failure becomes insignificant because i'm not living for gain. i'm living a life of trusting Jesus. so what does it mean if i do fail? even if i succeed, what do i ultimately gain? so i won't be afraid of trying, i will take more risks, and i don't have to be sure of success before i try something new. really, live life, when i am young, and i have the opportunities.

the "music matters" seminar was... in some ways a shock. that after 2 years and more of serving in the area of worship, i never really grasped the true essence of what it's for.
worship is about providing a platform for the congregation to connect with God through the music and the singing. in the end, all decisions should always be made on the basis of, "how will this affect the congregation?"
every single decision should be made in context, and it's not about how good it sounds or the musical talents of the individuals (in church service, i've been guilty of including an instrumental bridge just cause it "sounds cool" and "the guitar part is awesome") but about how the congregation will receive it. will it detract from what they're singing to God about, or does it add to the passion and the atmosphere?

in light of my prayers, i think God really spoke to me at KYCK. it was on a pure whim (but not a risk) that i invited diana and pansy to KYCK, and the result is almost like a slap in the face, telling me to wake up and really start trusting. i'm so filled with gladness and joy at what happened on saturday night, and it will be a reminder i shall never forget.

i need to step out of my comfort zone. my comfort zone is having 12 units, wanting to do music education in uni. music and education, 2 things i love, and am comfortable with. perhaps i should take the risk and drop to 10 units. i'd be able to do so much more for ISCF in the 2 terms i have left, and to spend more time rebuilding my relationship with my parents before uni comes and it becomes even harder to close the gaping chasm between us. perhaps i should take the risk and trust in what my parents want me to do. do pharmacy in uni. after all, i was against coming to ruse and they wanted me to, and look how that turned out. and i was just thinking, maybe i could make a bigger impact in that role. after all, the most stubborn atheists are those entrenched in the scientific ways of thinking of this society.

and so i renew my resolution. i want to be more thankful, to continue living life for God, trusting in Him, to take risks and stop trying to seek gain in this life. i have eternal life to look forward to, and so i give this life up for Him =]