wow this blog has really been dead for so long... uni's been a whirlwind sweeping me up into an entirely different world that i've been sheltered from - but it's exhilarating.

and knowing that God is there as my rock and refuge has never been more comforting when everything's so disorientating, knowing that He's always there to guide me as the light in the darkness :)

honestly i'm procrastinating from doing my bioethics assignment but then i tell myself that it's only due in a months' time. so are a million other things. i'm finally able to sort of comprehend why people seem to pull so many all-nighters in uni, because you're so misleadingly free most of the time, unless you look a few weeks ahead and pre-empt all the assignments that are just waiting to crash down on you. ><"

the weather's terrible today and it's so cold and it's making me feel quite introspective and just that tiny bit... emo. although that's probably an overstatement and i'm just feeling weird. i guess the distinguishing factor that it is not a self-pitying feeling, which automatically makes it not emo. hmm, that was rather... tongue-in-cheek.

i just feel so sorry for her. the worst thing might probably be that i know exactly how she's feeling, why she's doing what she's doing, although it may seem incomprehensible to others. it hurts to see her being so self-destructive, and i wish i could've somehow been there to comfort her. it's not fair. it really isn't. she deserves so, so, so much better. maybe i'm angry at the person who used a broken person as a crutch and shattered her further, but i can't bring myself to be because he's just as broken. is it really wrong when someone wants to be loved so much that she projects the facade which she thinks will be loved the most? is it her fault for being so insecure, or is it the fault for those around her for not giving her sufficient reason for security?is it right that someone can be so excluded that she feels like she only has a single option? is it fair for someone to cling on to a lifeboat believing that it is the only thing can keep her afloat in the torrents of life only to find it sinking beneath her grasp? and even if that lifeboat resurfaces, again and again, is it not cruel to let her go through the experience of drowning over and over again?

maybe she thinks it's worth it. maybe it is. but it's painful to watch when she deserves so much better. maybe she knows what's better and i just can't tell. i guess my prayer is that true peace might transcend her, that she might find that rock under her feet on which she can stand tall, that she need no longer rely solely on her lifeboat - and since it is no longer under the weight of her dependence, that it may no longer be pushed under the surface of the water ever again. she deserves to be happy. truly, joyously, unequivocally, happy.